Back to Sleep

Hi. My name is Leah and I put my baby on his tummy to sleep. I know it is wrong, unsafe, and evil, but I do it and I have been doing it for 3 months now. Actually, I’m obsessed with it. I can’t pick up a book about infant care without madly flipping through the index to find the section on SIDS. It’s not that I want or expect them to validate my addiction; I just want someone to answer my questions.

It all started at naptime. My baby was 2 months old and his naps were suddenly erratic. I’d spend hours of time nursing and rocking my sleepy baby and never get him to sleep. So I got desperate. I laid him on his tummy and patted his back, he relaxed, his eyes got droopy and suddenly he was asleep. I was amazed, but felt guilty. At his 2 month check-up, the pediatrician asked, “How is he sleeping?” I know she expected a good or bad answer, but I blurted out, “On his back…. except at naptime, I let him sleep on his tummy.”

Only at naptime quickly became all the time, but I’d flip him over after he fell asleep. Soon he began fussing when I flipped him over, so I left him on his tummy. I became more self-conscious. I’d meet new people, “What a pretty baby!” they’d exclaim. “He sleeps on his tummy,” I’d quickly respond.

I have become so preoccupied with the subject that you’d think I would start putting my baby down on his back to sleep, but I don’t. Before I do that I want some answers – answers that I haven’t found in any of the books I’ve read or any of the websites I’ve scoured. According to The Mother of All Baby Books, SIDS is the leading cause of death for infants under 1 year of age. I know that there are several factors that reduce a baby’s risk for SIDS – back sleeping, breastfeeding, prenatal care for the mother, not dressing baby too heavily. Everything I read says the same things. But everything I read brings me only so far and then leaves me on the outside. I can’t find the statistics they refer to in their articles. Since they don’t know the cause, how can they be sure that all the deaths labeled as SIDS are actually caused by the same thing? Do all babies that die of SIDS sleep on their tummies? Are all babies that die of SIDS bottle-fed? Is "more likely" 51% or 98% - there is a big difference. I wish I knew these things. I know all the “experts” recommend these things, but I have long stopped thinking that experts are infallible.

Ultimately, I am the mother, my husband and I – we are the parents and we will decide how we will care for our baby. The day will come when we decide if he will be allowed to ride on a 4 wheeler or go to summer camp all alone. There will always be things that may or may not be safe. I just wish I didn’t feel like I’m being a rebel.